Ouch

Remember when you were a kid and you would scrape your knee or elbow or face for that matter and you would go in and your mom would put that lovely antiseptic on it and it STUNG?! Kind of took your breathe away  for a second kind of sting. It's funny because until recently I had forgotten that my mom used to do that and obviously I got past the sting or I would have been thinking of it all along.

                                                                Two of my loves

So why did I suddenly begin to remember this sting? Because in the past month or so I have begun to feel that sting, not on my skin but in my heart. I sit and think I just need to grow some thicker skin or put things in perspective, you know the scheme of eternity? However in the past month or so there have been some comments that people have said which I will not go into completely but in reference to how Owen is progressing with his development. Let me preface my next sting story with a common misconception about children with Down syndrome. When Owen was born and we were told that he would have developmental delays I thought, big deal, Blake was so relaxed that he didn't walk until he was at least 20 months. I actually thought well Owen is my third this will be kinda sweet to have a "baby" a bit longer. As time has gone on I have come to realize that Owen is not just delayed but his cute little body doesn't have the same instincts that typical babies do as far as wanting and knowing how to move their bodies. Whereas a typical baby would instinctively know how to work their body to sit and get on all fours and crawl, Owen just simply does not. I am coming to terms with this, however it is a sting to me. I hate sometimes that he has to work his butt off and we have to show him like 1000 times how things should be done.

Moving on and please read this with a grain of salt as my emotions about this have been raw as of late. I am watching babies that are significantly younger than Owen surpass his physical development. I am not just talking about babies of family and friends, I am talking about walking  into the mall and seeing the 10 month or so baby crawling and pulling themselves to standing at the plat place. I am seeing this and I pray that all of a sudden Owen will want and be able to sit on his own. I know it is going to happen. I know people think it is really nice that Owen is staying a "baby" just a little longer than most. But let me be transparent here and say this. He doesn't want to be a "baby". He is so frustrated with his body. We are frustrated for him. I have a daughter right now that is feeling that she wishes he wasn't around and to be honest I get where she is coming from. He is the highest maintenance baby we have had which wouldn't be a big deal if he was a first born and I had more time but I just don't. I am so thankful that each of our kids feels that our home is a safe place to share their feelings without judgement or fear that they will be shut down. Owen can be a happy baby. He generally is if he is being held and entertained. However lately he has not been and part of that has to do with the fact that he doesn't want to be a "baby" any longer.

So there is my vent. It might not be pretty and I am sure not everyone will understand it as I know that things for our family could be so much worse. Please be aware that I know that full well. But as we continue to venture down this road I know that we will have highs and lows and milestones when they are meant to happen, but right now we are in a low and that's ok too.

Getting out of the Trenches

Remember that one time that you fully expected yourself to give 100% of yourself to every single person in your life and if you weren't well then you probably aren't doing something right? Have you ever been there? Or are you like me and feel like you might be giving 25% of yourself to the 4 people in your house and that is on a good day? Someone asked me how things were going with three and this was my exact quote...half kidding but you know how it goes.
" When I had two kids I felt like a really good mom. With three I feel maybe mediocre at best most days. "
This overflows into my marriage, my friendships, my church life and what is likely most of the problem, my spiritual life.
Well God and I had a bit of a coming to Jesus this week, and funny thing is, I keep trying to do this whole thing, this life thing on my own. By putting as much pressure on myself as I have been to be the perfect mom, wife, volunteer, and now Owen's PT and OT I have lost my way. And you know what  God is telling me...you cannot keep doing this on your own! He did not give me the kids I have and the husband I am Blessed with and the friendships he has formed for no reason. This life is a puzzle and and intermingling of relationships that either help or hinder me. I know that I have lost connections with a lot of people in my life since Owen has been born and to be honest it is not intentional. I still hate to rely on people and I feel like a burden even to those I love sometimes but it has only just recently occurred to me that maybe I am being a blessing to those around me without even knowing it. Maybe I have drifted so far away from who I thought I was and who I really am that Satan has distorted my perspective. Made me feel not like a child of God anymore but a drag to those around me.
Well shove it Satan! I have one life on this earth and it better mean something!
Each and every day  I will get up and do my best, I can't do more and I should for sure not doing less. I will have the mindset that my kids are not disappointed in me. That the friends that are true friends will understand if I fall off the grid for a while to find a new normal and focus on my family. That the places I volunteer for will get it if I need a bit of a break for a while.
I am bringing it back to the basics...God and Family. I know things will begin to fall back into place eventually and I won't feel like I am being pulled in so many directions, or maybe it won't. Either way I am going to be ok, not on my own for sure, but it takes a village right?
And now here are some recent pics....

I'm not tired, I'm weary!

If you start to feel a breeze while reading this don't panic! It's just me venting up a storm.
I told Mike to tonight I was weary to which he logically responded, why don't you go to bed then? In which I struck back with, I'm not tired, I am weary. I used to think these two were the same as well. They go hand in hand right? Not to me, at least not anymore.
Tired to me means lack of sleep, slight fatigue etc. Weary, my friends, is a whole nother level.
I am spent, at the end of my rope, burning the candle at both ends. You get the picture.
I am losing it with my kids, my husband sometimes strangers that might cross my path in the car or in line somewhere (though not yelling, just fuming on the inside. ) My family is walking on egg shells around me, yeah makes me feel even crappier writing it.
I try, oh how I try to lay in bed every morning and pray, God today please give me the patience and grace to get through this day. Give me the words and actions that please you and give you the glory. Why then do I feel like most days my world is spinning off it's axis? Like I am one more whine out of my children's mouths before I snap? And better yet, why the whining? Do I need to take them somewhere and show them how much they really have? I had the thought this week...what are we doing? How are they turning into these little people that want and want and want? And then I feel like I am failing. They should not be this way. This is not how God expects me to raise my children. But how do I change this?! I am weary!!!!
I walked around Target trying to come  up with some ideas I can give people to give to them for Christmas and you know what I came up with? They have enough, we have enough and then some!
I am weary of this world. I crave my Savior and perfection and the love of my Heavenly Father and I am striving for it. I am weary of trying to find the time and struggling to do it.
And now I sit here annoyed with myself because I have such  an amazing life and all these great things and I still feel so very weary.
So no I am not tired. I am weary of life at the moment and honestly  I wish I could get out of this slump but I am struggling. There I put it out there. Welcome to my open book. Praying the next chapter is a little more uplifting!

We Stepped up for Down syndrome!

So this past Saturday we participated in our local Step up for Down syndrome walk. It was held at Millenium Park, which is beautiful by the way. Friends and family joined us and we raised $2700! Mike's company matched all donations from other employees and that alone raised $1200, yay Charter!
Saturday morning as I was getting  Owen dressed and he laid on the floor giggling every time I said Mama to him I got a little teary. 6 months ago I would have never guessed that I would be as excited as I was to go to this walk. I have know about this walk for years and thought what a nice way to raise some money and take a little stroll. My eyes were really opened on Saturday. I have never felt uncomfortable around someone with Down syndrome and to me Owen is just a baby. Saturday as we got out of the car and began walking to the registration table I could not stop smiling. You see this walk is not just for young families with small kids. It is for people with Down syndrome of all ages. It is not like a lot of other walks that is raising money for a cure, we don't want a cure. It is a complete celebration of the culture that is the Down syndrome community. There were babies all the way up to adults with Down syndrome. Their friends and families were there to celebrate the individuals they are and how amazing their lives can be!

 I have to say my favorite part was the dancing. There was a dance company that came and those people were so focused and fun with their moves. There was a kid that was standing near where we were that was feeling every single beat of the music without embarrassment that people were watching. He was egging people on to join in and dance. I want to be that way! I am so excited for next year when Owen is a little older and he can join in by clapping.
All in all it was a wonderful day and the only down side was that Paige was sick so my mom graciously stayed home with her. Next year!
Thank you again for all of your love and support and if you want, join us next year!!!

Just a Boy

Let me start by saying that I don't want this post to come across as braggy or in your face. Honestly, that is the last thing I want this post to feel like. I said to Mike right off the bat when Owen was born that every baby is a miracle but to have a baby that has an extra chromosome and be a happy and healthy baby blows my mind. Technically Owen is not perfect, according to science that is. Yet I look at him every day and am so thankful for him and his diagnosis. Alright moving on...
We had an appointment with Dr. Dodge this morning. She is a pediatric development specialist. She is amazing!! You can tell right away that she has a passion for her work and  loves kids. She talked to Owen and picked him up and made him laugh and talk, it was so cute. She checked him out, all the regular stuff that they do at a well child exam and then checked his fine and gross motor skills. He was a champ. There were some concerns before from our PT about some head flatness, she says he has a beautiful head and would not mess with it. He still has clogged tear ducts, people ask us if he has been crying sometimes. If those don't clear up after his first birthday we will talk about getting them taken care of. Talked about what blood tests she thinks we should have done. Just his thyroid. And between now and when he is one he needs to see a pediatric optometrist, no biggy. So THAT WAS IT! Seriously, I went to this appointment thinking this would lead to many more appointments, but that was it. I asked her what else we needed to know and these were her exact words..."Owen is the poster child for a healthy kid with Down syndrome." He has always been just a boy to me, just my boy. But today I had an expert tell me I could breathe for the moment. 
This morning Paige was asking me about what if the thunder got louder, what if the lightening touched our house and so on and so forth. I drew back on what my dad used to say over and over again. We don't live our lives on what if. 
I feel like for the past month before this appointment I have lived a little bit of the what if attitude. And I know there probably will be some things that come up in Owen's health. But I state again, we do not our lives on what ifs.
Here is a little stat attack for you too...
At 6 months Owen weighs 17 lbs. 5 oz. and is 26 inches long. He is on track with most things and a little behind with a few others. We thank God every day for all three of our kids and their healthy bodies and minds and cannot wait to see what God has in store for them!

Life with the O-Man

So squishy!

How cute is this kid?! Ahhhh, I wish you could pick him up through your computer screen. Before I go any further with this post let me say I had a bit of a down day. I watch my little buddy trying his very hardest to do the things he is supposed to be doing in therapy sessions with me at home, and he gets frustrated and then I get sad and frustrated and then just kinda down. Thanks to some amazing people in my life, I was lifted up and remembered that he is first my baby, no matter what! He will do the things he needs to do in good time but for now I am will sit back, rock and breathe in the beautiful gift of my baby boy. And now my list of things I already celebrate about Down syndrome....

• Squishy (really this kid is so soft and squishy!)
• Cuddly, hope this lasts.
• His profile, it was the first indicator that I saw in the operating room of his diagnosis and I have totally fallen in love with it. His little nose is the best.
• The fact that he is already proving stereotypes wrong. When we left the hospital they made sure to tell us that we needed to remember to stimulate him because kids with Down syndrome tend to be left in a bouncy or swing for long periods of time since they don't fuss too much. Paaalllleeeeaaaasssseee! This kid is completely fiesty. Hope that sticks around too.
• And one of the the biggest things I celebrate is this amazing community of people that I have met. The moms, the kids, the therapists! All amazing and all part of this wonderful culture that is Down syndrome.

Cannot wait to see what is in store for our little guy!

My Baby!

Today was Paige's orientation day for kindergarten! How did that happen. Paige and I had a rough start from my labor with her to my postpartum depression. Let's just say I haven't always felt a super close bond with her and sometimes it makes me feel guilty. We are more alike than different and butt heads a lot. She is the epitome of a daddys girl but still whines if it is not my night to tuck her in and lay by her. There are many days I feel like I fail her, like the boys get more attention than she does from me because honestly they are not nearly as independent and she is. Alright enough rambling...She is off to spread her wings. We are both ready. However I know that first day that she is gone all day and not here for lunch and quiet time on the couch and all the random moments that I so take for granted, I will cry. I will sit and cry because she, well they, all three of them, are my job. They are what my world revolves around. So spread your wings sweet girl, show them whatcha got, be kind and don't let people walk all over you. ( not that I'm worried about that ;) )