I'm not tired, I'm weary!

If you start to feel a breeze while reading this don't panic! It's just me venting up a storm.
I told Mike to tonight I was weary to which he logically responded, why don't you go to bed then? In which I struck back with, I'm not tired, I am weary. I used to think these two were the same as well. They go hand in hand right? Not to me, at least not anymore.
Tired to me means lack of sleep, slight fatigue etc. Weary, my friends, is a whole nother level.
I am spent, at the end of my rope, burning the candle at both ends. You get the picture.
I am losing it with my kids, my husband sometimes strangers that might cross my path in the car or in line somewhere (though not yelling, just fuming on the inside. ) My family is walking on egg shells around me, yeah makes me feel even crappier writing it.
I try, oh how I try to lay in bed every morning and pray, God today please give me the patience and grace to get through this day. Give me the words and actions that please you and give you the glory. Why then do I feel like most days my world is spinning off it's axis? Like I am one more whine out of my children's mouths before I snap? And better yet, why the whining? Do I need to take them somewhere and show them how much they really have? I had the thought this week...what are we doing? How are they turning into these little people that want and want and want? And then I feel like I am failing. They should not be this way. This is not how God expects me to raise my children. But how do I change this?! I am weary!!!!
I walked around Target trying to come  up with some ideas I can give people to give to them for Christmas and you know what I came up with? They have enough, we have enough and then some!
I am weary of this world. I crave my Savior and perfection and the love of my Heavenly Father and I am striving for it. I am weary of trying to find the time and struggling to do it.
And now I sit here annoyed with myself because I have such  an amazing life and all these great things and I still feel so very weary.
So no I am not tired. I am weary of life at the moment and honestly  I wish I could get out of this slump but I am struggling. There I put it out there. Welcome to my open book. Praying the next chapter is a little more uplifting!

We Stepped up for Down syndrome!

So this past Saturday we participated in our local Step up for Down syndrome walk. It was held at Millenium Park, which is beautiful by the way. Friends and family joined us and we raised $2700! Mike's company matched all donations from other employees and that alone raised $1200, yay Charter!
Saturday morning as I was getting  Owen dressed and he laid on the floor giggling every time I said Mama to him I got a little teary. 6 months ago I would have never guessed that I would be as excited as I was to go to this walk. I have know about this walk for years and thought what a nice way to raise some money and take a little stroll. My eyes were really opened on Saturday. I have never felt uncomfortable around someone with Down syndrome and to me Owen is just a baby. Saturday as we got out of the car and began walking to the registration table I could not stop smiling. You see this walk is not just for young families with small kids. It is for people with Down syndrome of all ages. It is not like a lot of other walks that is raising money for a cure, we don't want a cure. It is a complete celebration of the culture that is the Down syndrome community. There were babies all the way up to adults with Down syndrome. Their friends and families were there to celebrate the individuals they are and how amazing their lives can be!

 I have to say my favorite part was the dancing. There was a dance company that came and those people were so focused and fun with their moves. There was a kid that was standing near where we were that was feeling every single beat of the music without embarrassment that people were watching. He was egging people on to join in and dance. I want to be that way! I am so excited for next year when Owen is a little older and he can join in by clapping.
All in all it was a wonderful day and the only down side was that Paige was sick so my mom graciously stayed home with her. Next year!
Thank you again for all of your love and support and if you want, join us next year!!!

Just a Boy

Let me start by saying that I don't want this post to come across as braggy or in your face. Honestly, that is the last thing I want this post to feel like. I said to Mike right off the bat when Owen was born that every baby is a miracle but to have a baby that has an extra chromosome and be a happy and healthy baby blows my mind. Technically Owen is not perfect, according to science that is. Yet I look at him every day and am so thankful for him and his diagnosis. Alright moving on...
We had an appointment with Dr. Dodge this morning. She is a pediatric development specialist. She is amazing!! You can tell right away that she has a passion for her work and  loves kids. She talked to Owen and picked him up and made him laugh and talk, it was so cute. She checked him out, all the regular stuff that they do at a well child exam and then checked his fine and gross motor skills. He was a champ. There were some concerns before from our PT about some head flatness, she says he has a beautiful head and would not mess with it. He still has clogged tear ducts, people ask us if he has been crying sometimes. If those don't clear up after his first birthday we will talk about getting them taken care of. Talked about what blood tests she thinks we should have done. Just his thyroid. And between now and when he is one he needs to see a pediatric optometrist, no biggy. So THAT WAS IT! Seriously, I went to this appointment thinking this would lead to many more appointments, but that was it. I asked her what else we needed to know and these were her exact words..."Owen is the poster child for a healthy kid with Down syndrome." He has always been just a boy to me, just my boy. But today I had an expert tell me I could breathe for the moment. 
This morning Paige was asking me about what if the thunder got louder, what if the lightening touched our house and so on and so forth. I drew back on what my dad used to say over and over again. We don't live our lives on what if. 
I feel like for the past month before this appointment I have lived a little bit of the what if attitude. And I know there probably will be some things that come up in Owen's health. But I state again, we do not our lives on what ifs.
Here is a little stat attack for you too...
At 6 months Owen weighs 17 lbs. 5 oz. and is 26 inches long. He is on track with most things and a little behind with a few others. We thank God every day for all three of our kids and their healthy bodies and minds and cannot wait to see what God has in store for them!

Life with the O-Man

So squishy!

How cute is this kid?! Ahhhh, I wish you could pick him up through your computer screen. Before I go any further with this post let me say I had a bit of a down day. I watch my little buddy trying his very hardest to do the things he is supposed to be doing in therapy sessions with me at home, and he gets frustrated and then I get sad and frustrated and then just kinda down. Thanks to some amazing people in my life, I was lifted up and remembered that he is first my baby, no matter what! He will do the things he needs to do in good time but for now I am will sit back, rock and breathe in the beautiful gift of my baby boy. And now my list of things I already celebrate about Down syndrome....

• Squishy (really this kid is so soft and squishy!)
• Cuddly, hope this lasts.
• His profile, it was the first indicator that I saw in the operating room of his diagnosis and I have totally fallen in love with it. His little nose is the best.
• The fact that he is already proving stereotypes wrong. When we left the hospital they made sure to tell us that we needed to remember to stimulate him because kids with Down syndrome tend to be left in a bouncy or swing for long periods of time since they don't fuss too much. Paaalllleeeeaaaasssseee! This kid is completely fiesty. Hope that sticks around too.
• And one of the the biggest things I celebrate is this amazing community of people that I have met. The moms, the kids, the therapists! All amazing and all part of this wonderful culture that is Down syndrome.

Cannot wait to see what is in store for our little guy!

My Baby!

Today was Paige's orientation day for kindergarten! How did that happen. Paige and I had a rough start from my labor with her to my postpartum depression. Let's just say I haven't always felt a super close bond with her and sometimes it makes me feel guilty. We are more alike than different and butt heads a lot. She is the epitome of a daddys girl but still whines if it is not my night to tuck her in and lay by her. There are many days I feel like I fail her, like the boys get more attention than she does from me because honestly they are not nearly as independent and she is. Alright enough rambling...She is off to spread her wings. We are both ready. However I know that first day that she is gone all day and not here for lunch and quiet time on the couch and all the random moments that I so take for granted, I will cry. I will sit and cry because she, well they, all three of them, are my job. They are what my world revolves around. So spread your wings sweet girl, show them whatcha got, be kind and don't let people walk all over you. ( not that I'm worried about that ;) )

All the married ladies!

Let me preface this post with this. My house is a complete disaster and I am loving it, you will find out why in a moment. Let me also state that Mike is on a man weekend with his boyfriends.
So Mike left Friday morning to go to a cabin with his friends from church and he will be coming home tomorrow sometime. This has become an annual event. So this year I got the wonderful idea that I knew by Saturday night I might be at my whits end and maybe I wasn't the only one. Ding ding ding, let's all go off the deep end together. So we had a mom, kids, pizza and wine party. Amazing! Not only did our kids want a little mix in their weekend but I think the moms needed to sit and have a little vent as well. We were not husband bashing, too much, I promise. As we talked about the guys weekend I began to think and this is the question I pose....
Why is it so hard for us as women to take time to ourselves and bond with other women away from our kids? And if it is not hard for you and you don't feel a pinch of guilt please feel free to comment on this post and fill me in. :)
Seriously, do we feel like we are the only ones who can run our household and take care of our kids? Am I the only one who feels that way? Seriously I have gotten better, but when Paige was a baby I would leave Mike a list of what Paige needed and when. What I should have done was let him feel his way through it, stop being a control freak. Right now part of my issue is that  I am still nursing Owen and that is a huge tether to home. But as we were talking tonight, us ladies, we decided we just need to do it. And honestly I don't think our husbands would mind. Well maybe they would but you know what? They can have a dads, kids, pizza and beer party and sit back and look at a very messy house with a smile on their face.
In closing I will put it out there, I never edit my posts, this is more like an online journal. Please excuse the randomness!!

Socially Awkward

Truth or Dare? How about a little of both? Truth, I feel socially awkward a lot! If you know me personally and well you would look at me right now and laugh in  my face. As much as I am a self admitted extrovert I feel so introverted sometimes. Shall I start at the beginning of what is my introverted self? Here we go...
Twinhood, if you are one, you might possibly get this. I lived with what turned out to be one of my best friends since birth, well even before. :) I joked at her wedding that we were wombmates, you know the womb, yeah cheesy I know. Anyway so moving on, think back to a time in your childhood when you wanted to run outside and play with your friends, you were sick of your siblings and bored and what not and you ran to your mom and asked if you could go out and play with your friends. Now picture this, your best friend lived in the room next to yours. You didn't feel that huge need to go out and play because your very best playmate was already there. Laura and I actually repeated preschool partly so we could socialize with other kids. Funny, right? If you know both of us even remotely you will know that for the most part we are polar opposites on so many levels but we mesh. Add in that my other still best friend, older sister Jacquie also was there and we honestly did not have an issue as we got older and got our own cars and what not, to sit at home on a Saturday night and watch a movie together. And later, maybe go out and do some things that might not have been the smartest. :) Jacquie and me, not Laura.
Another truth, I talk too much. I like to call it diarrhea of the mouth? There are many times that I talk because sometimes a silence seems to be too much. I need to seriously learn to work on my listening skills. I feel like this is part of the awkward part. I literally tell myself as I am talking, just shut up Amy. And sometimes I wonder if my talking is a gift and I just need to curb it a bit. Wow, even now I feel like I am just talking to talk...moving on.
And the last truth of the evening, I feel like my house is in a constant state of crazy. Like toys and dishes and laundry and more toys. I honestly did not grow up in a home like this, to be honest it was probably the complete opposite. In the past 2 years I have decided that as important as I think it is to teach our kids to take care of their crap, and trust me I do work on this as much as I hate it sometimes; I would rather play with my kids. Since Owen has been on the scene it has been especially important to me that I spend the time he is sleeping spending quality time with Paige and Blake. How long are they really at an age they still want to cuddle in the morning and play ball in the yard and want me to jump on the trampoline or sit in the kiddy pool? Not long! So yes, I am teaching them to take care of stuff and Mike is actually better at this than I am, but if you come to my house and it looks like a hot mess please take a breathe and hope it doesn't smell like a poppy diaper that might have been sitting there overnight.
I am reading the book Bittersweet by Shawna Niequist and it feels like a hug to my heart, here is a quote from her book about friends and a clean house. In fact the whole section of this book talks about your home team. Not spreading yourself too thin, keeping your time and energy at a good level to give to that home team around you. Highly recommend the book by the way.
"One way you can tell if someone's on your home team is if you'll let them walk right into your house without picking up dirty dishes and checking your hair before they get there."

Dare! I will stop talking, I will let God's spirit give me the right words even in the most mundane conversation. I will pray that I can accept the gift of gab from my Savior. Maybe someone else sees it as my spiritual gift as well, if not....oh well. I will stop worrying that if I don't make friends with every new neighbor, mom of a kid, wife of a coworker or random connection, that's ok. I am always open to these relationships but need to train myself not to spread myself so thin that I feel that I am not taking quality time with people who are already part of my life. If you are reading this please know that I am valuing all the new connections that I have made in the past 6 months though! Some are stronger than others and that's ok!