Enough

Last week I had the pleasure of having a moms night out with some ladies from church. We actually got to see a sneak peek of the movie Moms Night Out. Loved it and can't wait until my sisters and moms can see it when it comes out in May.

Basically the main character in the movie is struggling that she cannot get ahead in her life. She can't get ahead of the laundry, the cleaning, the emotional support, the kids climbing on her and a husband that needs her. She feels like she is not enough, not enough for her kids, her husband, her friends and to God. Really she just feels like she is not enough for her, in her own mind.

As I sat in the theater crying, because honestly who as a mom has not felt that way? Who hasn't sat or stood or as we are chasing children thought someone else could probably do this way better that me. I don't have enough time, energy, patience and attention to give to all these littles, plus my husband and then oh yea, those long lost friends that we long to see but where do we find the time?! Lately I feel like I can't catch up, I can't stay on top of emotionally supporting my family, stay up with all the stuff that needs to get done around the house and still have enough left over for my husband.

Back to the movie, the main character wonders, and who is with me...This is what I wanted when I was a little girl. I wanted the husband I love, the house we share and the kids I have always dreamed of. So why, with all that I dreamed of, do I still have days where I feel so unhappy and don't think I can make it until 6 o'clock when my husband gets home and I don't feel so anxious and like I have so much pressure on me to make sure all of my kiddos are getting the best of me.

So when is enough enough? When does it begin to feel like even if I don't feel like I am enough for them, they do? I am praying that I remember how excited I felt when I was a little girl thinking about this life? How I was going to be the best mom every single day! I have decided to take the pressure off myself and rely on my instincts and God and a whole lot of love from those around me to feel like God gave me the kids I have at the time I have them because I am capable of handling it and I will do more that survive, I will thrive!!!!!

                                                  This is me faking it till I make it!! ;)

Ouch

Remember when you were a kid and you would scrape your knee or elbow or face for that matter and you would go in and your mom would put that lovely antiseptic on it and it STUNG?! Kind of took your breathe away  for a second kind of sting. It's funny because until recently I had forgotten that my mom used to do that and obviously I got past the sting or I would have been thinking of it all along.

                                                                Two of my loves

So why did I suddenly begin to remember this sting? Because in the past month or so I have begun to feel that sting, not on my skin but in my heart. I sit and think I just need to grow some thicker skin or put things in perspective, you know the scheme of eternity? However in the past month or so there have been some comments that people have said which I will not go into completely but in reference to how Owen is progressing with his development. Let me preface my next sting story with a common misconception about children with Down syndrome. When Owen was born and we were told that he would have developmental delays I thought, big deal, Blake was so relaxed that he didn't walk until he was at least 20 months. I actually thought well Owen is my third this will be kinda sweet to have a "baby" a bit longer. As time has gone on I have come to realize that Owen is not just delayed but his cute little body doesn't have the same instincts that typical babies do as far as wanting and knowing how to move their bodies. Whereas a typical baby would instinctively know how to work their body to sit and get on all fours and crawl, Owen just simply does not. I am coming to terms with this, however it is a sting to me. I hate sometimes that he has to work his butt off and we have to show him like 1000 times how things should be done.

Moving on and please read this with a grain of salt as my emotions about this have been raw as of late. I am watching babies that are significantly younger than Owen surpass his physical development. I am not just talking about babies of family and friends, I am talking about walking  into the mall and seeing the 10 month or so baby crawling and pulling themselves to standing at the plat place. I am seeing this and I pray that all of a sudden Owen will want and be able to sit on his own. I know it is going to happen. I know people think it is really nice that Owen is staying a "baby" just a little longer than most. But let me be transparent here and say this. He doesn't want to be a "baby". He is so frustrated with his body. We are frustrated for him. I have a daughter right now that is feeling that she wishes he wasn't around and to be honest I get where she is coming from. He is the highest maintenance baby we have had which wouldn't be a big deal if he was a first born and I had more time but I just don't. I am so thankful that each of our kids feels that our home is a safe place to share their feelings without judgement or fear that they will be shut down. Owen can be a happy baby. He generally is if he is being held and entertained. However lately he has not been and part of that has to do with the fact that he doesn't want to be a "baby" any longer.

So there is my vent. It might not be pretty and I am sure not everyone will understand it as I know that things for our family could be so much worse. Please be aware that I know that full well. But as we continue to venture down this road I know that we will have highs and lows and milestones when they are meant to happen, but right now we are in a low and that's ok too.