Getting out of the Trenches

Remember that one time that you fully expected yourself to give 100% of yourself to every single person in your life and if you weren't well then you probably aren't doing something right? Have you ever been there? Or are you like me and feel like you might be giving 25% of yourself to the 4 people in your house and that is on a good day? Someone asked me how things were going with three and this was my exact quote...half kidding but you know how it goes.
" When I had two kids I felt like a really good mom. With three I feel maybe mediocre at best most days. "
This overflows into my marriage, my friendships, my church life and what is likely most of the problem, my spiritual life.
Well God and I had a bit of a coming to Jesus this week, and funny thing is, I keep trying to do this whole thing, this life thing on my own. By putting as much pressure on myself as I have been to be the perfect mom, wife, volunteer, and now Owen's PT and OT I have lost my way. And you know what  God is telling me...you cannot keep doing this on your own! He did not give me the kids I have and the husband I am Blessed with and the friendships he has formed for no reason. This life is a puzzle and and intermingling of relationships that either help or hinder me. I know that I have lost connections with a lot of people in my life since Owen has been born and to be honest it is not intentional. I still hate to rely on people and I feel like a burden even to those I love sometimes but it has only just recently occurred to me that maybe I am being a blessing to those around me without even knowing it. Maybe I have drifted so far away from who I thought I was and who I really am that Satan has distorted my perspective. Made me feel not like a child of God anymore but a drag to those around me.
Well shove it Satan! I have one life on this earth and it better mean something!
Each and every day  I will get up and do my best, I can't do more and I should for sure not doing less. I will have the mindset that my kids are not disappointed in me. That the friends that are true friends will understand if I fall off the grid for a while to find a new normal and focus on my family. That the places I volunteer for will get it if I need a bit of a break for a while.
I am bringing it back to the basics...God and Family. I know things will begin to fall back into place eventually and I won't feel like I am being pulled in so many directions, or maybe it won't. Either way I am going to be ok, not on my own for sure, but it takes a village right?
And now here are some recent pics....

I'm not tired, I'm weary!

If you start to feel a breeze while reading this don't panic! It's just me venting up a storm.
I told Mike to tonight I was weary to which he logically responded, why don't you go to bed then? In which I struck back with, I'm not tired, I am weary. I used to think these two were the same as well. They go hand in hand right? Not to me, at least not anymore.
Tired to me means lack of sleep, slight fatigue etc. Weary, my friends, is a whole nother level.
I am spent, at the end of my rope, burning the candle at both ends. You get the picture.
I am losing it with my kids, my husband sometimes strangers that might cross my path in the car or in line somewhere (though not yelling, just fuming on the inside. ) My family is walking on egg shells around me, yeah makes me feel even crappier writing it.
I try, oh how I try to lay in bed every morning and pray, God today please give me the patience and grace to get through this day. Give me the words and actions that please you and give you the glory. Why then do I feel like most days my world is spinning off it's axis? Like I am one more whine out of my children's mouths before I snap? And better yet, why the whining? Do I need to take them somewhere and show them how much they really have? I had the thought this week...what are we doing? How are they turning into these little people that want and want and want? And then I feel like I am failing. They should not be this way. This is not how God expects me to raise my children. But how do I change this?! I am weary!!!!
I walked around Target trying to come  up with some ideas I can give people to give to them for Christmas and you know what I came up with? They have enough, we have enough and then some!
I am weary of this world. I crave my Savior and perfection and the love of my Heavenly Father and I am striving for it. I am weary of trying to find the time and struggling to do it.
And now I sit here annoyed with myself because I have such  an amazing life and all these great things and I still feel so very weary.
So no I am not tired. I am weary of life at the moment and honestly  I wish I could get out of this slump but I am struggling. There I put it out there. Welcome to my open book. Praying the next chapter is a little more uplifting!

We Stepped up for Down syndrome!

So this past Saturday we participated in our local Step up for Down syndrome walk. It was held at Millenium Park, which is beautiful by the way. Friends and family joined us and we raised $2700! Mike's company matched all donations from other employees and that alone raised $1200, yay Charter!
Saturday morning as I was getting  Owen dressed and he laid on the floor giggling every time I said Mama to him I got a little teary. 6 months ago I would have never guessed that I would be as excited as I was to go to this walk. I have know about this walk for years and thought what a nice way to raise some money and take a little stroll. My eyes were really opened on Saturday. I have never felt uncomfortable around someone with Down syndrome and to me Owen is just a baby. Saturday as we got out of the car and began walking to the registration table I could not stop smiling. You see this walk is not just for young families with small kids. It is for people with Down syndrome of all ages. It is not like a lot of other walks that is raising money for a cure, we don't want a cure. It is a complete celebration of the culture that is the Down syndrome community. There were babies all the way up to adults with Down syndrome. Their friends and families were there to celebrate the individuals they are and how amazing their lives can be!

 I have to say my favorite part was the dancing. There was a dance company that came and those people were so focused and fun with their moves. There was a kid that was standing near where we were that was feeling every single beat of the music without embarrassment that people were watching. He was egging people on to join in and dance. I want to be that way! I am so excited for next year when Owen is a little older and he can join in by clapping.
All in all it was a wonderful day and the only down side was that Paige was sick so my mom graciously stayed home with her. Next year!
Thank you again for all of your love and support and if you want, join us next year!!!

Just a Boy

Let me start by saying that I don't want this post to come across as braggy or in your face. Honestly, that is the last thing I want this post to feel like. I said to Mike right off the bat when Owen was born that every baby is a miracle but to have a baby that has an extra chromosome and be a happy and healthy baby blows my mind. Technically Owen is not perfect, according to science that is. Yet I look at him every day and am so thankful for him and his diagnosis. Alright moving on...
We had an appointment with Dr. Dodge this morning. She is a pediatric development specialist. She is amazing!! You can tell right away that she has a passion for her work and  loves kids. She talked to Owen and picked him up and made him laugh and talk, it was so cute. She checked him out, all the regular stuff that they do at a well child exam and then checked his fine and gross motor skills. He was a champ. There were some concerns before from our PT about some head flatness, she says he has a beautiful head and would not mess with it. He still has clogged tear ducts, people ask us if he has been crying sometimes. If those don't clear up after his first birthday we will talk about getting them taken care of. Talked about what blood tests she thinks we should have done. Just his thyroid. And between now and when he is one he needs to see a pediatric optometrist, no biggy. So THAT WAS IT! Seriously, I went to this appointment thinking this would lead to many more appointments, but that was it. I asked her what else we needed to know and these were her exact words..."Owen is the poster child for a healthy kid with Down syndrome." He has always been just a boy to me, just my boy. But today I had an expert tell me I could breathe for the moment. 
This morning Paige was asking me about what if the thunder got louder, what if the lightening touched our house and so on and so forth. I drew back on what my dad used to say over and over again. We don't live our lives on what if. 
I feel like for the past month before this appointment I have lived a little bit of the what if attitude. And I know there probably will be some things that come up in Owen's health. But I state again, we do not our lives on what ifs.
Here is a little stat attack for you too...
At 6 months Owen weighs 17 lbs. 5 oz. and is 26 inches long. He is on track with most things and a little behind with a few others. We thank God every day for all three of our kids and their healthy bodies and minds and cannot wait to see what God has in store for them!

Life with the O-Man

So squishy!

How cute is this kid?! Ahhhh, I wish you could pick him up through your computer screen. Before I go any further with this post let me say I had a bit of a down day. I watch my little buddy trying his very hardest to do the things he is supposed to be doing in therapy sessions with me at home, and he gets frustrated and then I get sad and frustrated and then just kinda down. Thanks to some amazing people in my life, I was lifted up and remembered that he is first my baby, no matter what! He will do the things he needs to do in good time but for now I am will sit back, rock and breathe in the beautiful gift of my baby boy. And now my list of things I already celebrate about Down syndrome....

• Squishy (really this kid is so soft and squishy!)
• Cuddly, hope this lasts.
• His profile, it was the first indicator that I saw in the operating room of his diagnosis and I have totally fallen in love with it. His little nose is the best.
• The fact that he is already proving stereotypes wrong. When we left the hospital they made sure to tell us that we needed to remember to stimulate him because kids with Down syndrome tend to be left in a bouncy or swing for long periods of time since they don't fuss too much. Paaalllleeeeaaaasssseee! This kid is completely fiesty. Hope that sticks around too.
• And one of the the biggest things I celebrate is this amazing community of people that I have met. The moms, the kids, the therapists! All amazing and all part of this wonderful culture that is Down syndrome.

Cannot wait to see what is in store for our little guy!

My Baby!

Today was Paige's orientation day for kindergarten! How did that happen. Paige and I had a rough start from my labor with her to my postpartum depression. Let's just say I haven't always felt a super close bond with her and sometimes it makes me feel guilty. We are more alike than different and butt heads a lot. She is the epitome of a daddys girl but still whines if it is not my night to tuck her in and lay by her. There are many days I feel like I fail her, like the boys get more attention than she does from me because honestly they are not nearly as independent and she is. Alright enough rambling...She is off to spread her wings. We are both ready. However I know that first day that she is gone all day and not here for lunch and quiet time on the couch and all the random moments that I so take for granted, I will cry. I will sit and cry because she, well they, all three of them, are my job. They are what my world revolves around. So spread your wings sweet girl, show them whatcha got, be kind and don't let people walk all over you. ( not that I'm worried about that ;) )

All the married ladies!

Let me preface this post with this. My house is a complete disaster and I am loving it, you will find out why in a moment. Let me also state that Mike is on a man weekend with his boyfriends.
So Mike left Friday morning to go to a cabin with his friends from church and he will be coming home tomorrow sometime. This has become an annual event. So this year I got the wonderful idea that I knew by Saturday night I might be at my whits end and maybe I wasn't the only one. Ding ding ding, let's all go off the deep end together. So we had a mom, kids, pizza and wine party. Amazing! Not only did our kids want a little mix in their weekend but I think the moms needed to sit and have a little vent as well. We were not husband bashing, too much, I promise. As we talked about the guys weekend I began to think and this is the question I pose....
Why is it so hard for us as women to take time to ourselves and bond with other women away from our kids? And if it is not hard for you and you don't feel a pinch of guilt please feel free to comment on this post and fill me in. :)
Seriously, do we feel like we are the only ones who can run our household and take care of our kids? Am I the only one who feels that way? Seriously I have gotten better, but when Paige was a baby I would leave Mike a list of what Paige needed and when. What I should have done was let him feel his way through it, stop being a control freak. Right now part of my issue is that  I am still nursing Owen and that is a huge tether to home. But as we were talking tonight, us ladies, we decided we just need to do it. And honestly I don't think our husbands would mind. Well maybe they would but you know what? They can have a dads, kids, pizza and beer party and sit back and look at a very messy house with a smile on their face.
In closing I will put it out there, I never edit my posts, this is more like an online journal. Please excuse the randomness!!

Socially Awkward

Truth or Dare? How about a little of both? Truth, I feel socially awkward a lot! If you know me personally and well you would look at me right now and laugh in  my face. As much as I am a self admitted extrovert I feel so introverted sometimes. Shall I start at the beginning of what is my introverted self? Here we go...
Twinhood, if you are one, you might possibly get this. I lived with what turned out to be one of my best friends since birth, well even before. :) I joked at her wedding that we were wombmates, you know the womb, yeah cheesy I know. Anyway so moving on, think back to a time in your childhood when you wanted to run outside and play with your friends, you were sick of your siblings and bored and what not and you ran to your mom and asked if you could go out and play with your friends. Now picture this, your best friend lived in the room next to yours. You didn't feel that huge need to go out and play because your very best playmate was already there. Laura and I actually repeated preschool partly so we could socialize with other kids. Funny, right? If you know both of us even remotely you will know that for the most part we are polar opposites on so many levels but we mesh. Add in that my other still best friend, older sister Jacquie also was there and we honestly did not have an issue as we got older and got our own cars and what not, to sit at home on a Saturday night and watch a movie together. And later, maybe go out and do some things that might not have been the smartest. :) Jacquie and me, not Laura.
Another truth, I talk too much. I like to call it diarrhea of the mouth? There are many times that I talk because sometimes a silence seems to be too much. I need to seriously learn to work on my listening skills. I feel like this is part of the awkward part. I literally tell myself as I am talking, just shut up Amy. And sometimes I wonder if my talking is a gift and I just need to curb it a bit. Wow, even now I feel like I am just talking to talk...moving on.
And the last truth of the evening, I feel like my house is in a constant state of crazy. Like toys and dishes and laundry and more toys. I honestly did not grow up in a home like this, to be honest it was probably the complete opposite. In the past 2 years I have decided that as important as I think it is to teach our kids to take care of their crap, and trust me I do work on this as much as I hate it sometimes; I would rather play with my kids. Since Owen has been on the scene it has been especially important to me that I spend the time he is sleeping spending quality time with Paige and Blake. How long are they really at an age they still want to cuddle in the morning and play ball in the yard and want me to jump on the trampoline or sit in the kiddy pool? Not long! So yes, I am teaching them to take care of stuff and Mike is actually better at this than I am, but if you come to my house and it looks like a hot mess please take a breathe and hope it doesn't smell like a poppy diaper that might have been sitting there overnight.
I am reading the book Bittersweet by Shawna Niequist and it feels like a hug to my heart, here is a quote from her book about friends and a clean house. In fact the whole section of this book talks about your home team. Not spreading yourself too thin, keeping your time and energy at a good level to give to that home team around you. Highly recommend the book by the way.
"One way you can tell if someone's on your home team is if you'll let them walk right into your house without picking up dirty dishes and checking your hair before they get there."

Dare! I will stop talking, I will let God's spirit give me the right words even in the most mundane conversation. I will pray that I can accept the gift of gab from my Savior. Maybe someone else sees it as my spiritual gift as well, if not....oh well. I will stop worrying that if I don't make friends with every new neighbor, mom of a kid, wife of a coworker or random connection, that's ok. I am always open to these relationships but need to train myself not to spread myself so thin that I feel that I am not taking quality time with people who are already part of my life. If you are reading this please know that I am valuing all the new connections that I have made in the past 6 months though! Some are stronger than others and that's ok!

This life of ours....Camping

OK so recap! We went on vacation last week. We spent 5 days at Silver Lake with part of my Hollebeek side of the family. Very much look forward to this every year and this year was no different. We had a new trailer this year which made things wonderful, here is why:

-the older kids sleep awesome because they cannot hear all the commotion going on outside.
-we have air conditioning, and with it being on average 95 degrees and sunny everyday this is where Owen and I spent most of our time.
-I can literally spend half the time packing. We leave a lot of things in the trailer that we use every time we go camping.

So all in all we had a good time. Wednesday night Paige was acting like a flippin disrespectful 14 year old girl so I made the decision that she would not be going on the boat across the lake to swim at the sand dunes. Paige being Paige freaked out and Aunt Jacq wanted to help out so offered to take Blake and Paige on a bike ride while Mike and I finished unpacking. As we had told Paige many times, do not ride fast through the gravel. She was so excited and still a bit peaved at me so was starting to ride like a bat out of hell and fell. Seriously she didn't even fall that hard but lost it when she did. Here is a pic of Owen and Paige laying on our bed after "the fall."

Don't you love how Owen is smirking?

Anyway after we tried for a good half hour trying to calm the hot mess she was, we decided just to put her to bed. Slept great, got up the next morning and was fine. She did tell us her arm was sore but was moving it here and they and swam all day and seemed fine. Friday during the day her arm looked somewhat swollen but she was still moving it and seemed ok. Friday evening Mike came and showed me that her right arm, the one she fell on, looked shorter than the other. I ended up calling our Dr. (who by the way is awesome! It was a Friday night and he was not annoyed with me at all) and he told me to take her to Shelby to at least have it looked at. Off we went, and wouldn't you know, it was fractured.
Tuesday we went in and got a sweet hot pink waterproof cast that only has to be on until August 16 and doesn't seem to be holding her back, besides riding her bike. ;)

So here is to another exciting year of camping, already looking forward to next year, and maybe cooler weather!

Blake looks so annoyed here.

I LOVE this pic of 2 of my favorite boys. On a side note, it's not that we don't want to take Blake's picture, he really doesn't like getting it taken. Hopefully that will change.

Take a Step Back....

Sorry this post might be all over the place, my mind was reeling.
So here I sit thinking about a couple of different families that I "know" from FB who have babies with Down syndrome and what comes to mind is.....first that we are very Blessed that Owen has no major health complications as of yet and second am I setting myself up for a fall? I keep looking at Owen and thinking for the most part that he is just a baby. I sat while Early On came and evaluated him and chose not to do a PT referral as of now because Owen is so strong. I wanted to scream it from the rooftops how proud I was of him, my 6 week old showed him his stuff! And then the thought creeps into my mind, is this how things are going to stay? Am I preparing myself for the fact that it might and probably won't always go this way? Right now he is the baby boy that I love and cuddle and nurse, all the time it seems :) So when does the Down syndrome start? When do I start feeling like this might be a journey I don't know if I am prepared for? And does it? Does it ever start to feel that way or will I continue to see past what society has pinned as different and not as quickly developing and therefor not what it should be? That he will be referred to as developmentally delayed for how long? Life? Why can't we just call it what it is?! He is different than most kids and he might learn different and at a different pace but I don't want to ever feel like he is anything than him, than my boy who I loved from the minute I saw him and even before that. So world, he is Owen, he is going to knock your socks off! He will do it as his own pace and just like any kid he will understand and get things when he is capable. AMEN?! AMEN!

                                                                   Cute isn't he?!

Moved and Other things.....

So we are moved!! Actually things went a lot smoother than I expected them to go. We had so much help. I packed a little at a time for about four weeks so by the time it was moving day we just had furniture and a few little things. I even had everyone eating off paper plates for the last week we were in the old house. The new house is almost twice the size as the old one. We did not move because we didn't think we had enough room. It honestly just kind of fell into place. For Owen's sake I wanted to be in the Hudsonville school district so that he could start at their new Early Childhood center and then continue on to Hudsonville Christian to be at the same school as Paige and Blake. Honestly that was one of the first thoughts in my mind when Owen was born was that I was nervous he would not be able to be at the same school as the other kids. After speaking with some teachers at HCS and some other moms who have kids who have DS at private schools we decided it was the best environment for Owen.
Anyway we are mostly settled. Mike is working on painting Blake's room tonight and we have a couple rooms getting new carpet in the next week or so but other than that we have almost every box unpacked. Here is a picture of the house.....the yard currently is something to be desired, this is an old picture.

Now as far as adjustments go...Paige is breezing through it socially. There are tons of kids around her ago on our street and she has made lots of new friends. She has aquired an attitude that is something to be reckoned with and I have lost it with her a few times but I think we are getting better. Blake on the other hand is having a terrible time adjusting. At the old house Paige and Blake were buddies as there weren't a lot of other kids near us that were their age. However Blake is such an intorvert sometimes and if you have ever met Paige and spent more than 10 minutes with her you know she is an extreme extrovert and can be kind of bossy, even with adults. We are working on that. ;) Blake is not social enough to join in the fun and Paige is having too much fun to think too much about Blake not joining in. He sat on the couch with me Monday and cried because he missed Paige and our old house. I felt physical pain for my little love. He and I spent a lot of time snuggling this week and I feel like he is slowly adjusting. I have had to limit the time Paige is running the streets with the other kids in the neighborhood, really 5 years old and it's like her little gang of friends run the street. I have learned to appreciate each of my kids personalities and gifts for what they are. I don't make excuses for their characteristics, they might be polar opposite but they are wonderfully unique!

Thankful for all the help we had for the move and all the love and support from all the people we love so much!!

Strong Women

I am surrounded by them!

My moms, both of them! My sisters, all 5 of them and I have the most amazing friends around!
However a little less than a week ago I was introduced to a new group of strong women that I can already tell are going to be a Blessing in my life.

When we were in the NICU with Owen we had a wonderful nurse, who did not take care of Owen, but that came to talk to us. Stacey has a daughter Britton who has Down syndrome and Stacey and her husband also did not have a prenatal diagnosis. Stacey and I seem to have more in common than not as pertaining to having an intuition that our babies would be different. When she sat down and began to talk to Mike and me about her experience with Britton's birth and her feelings I looked at Mike and said, oh my goodness, these words are exactly what I am feeling. She gave me such an honest outlook on her experience and her family's experience into Britton's birth and I have to add my favorite word picture from her before I move on to the rest of these amazing women!

Think of the diagnosis of Down syndrome as a salad bar. Your kid is not going to have every health issue that goes with it. You would not pile up every topping on the salad bar onto your salad. Britton had low tone and a heart defect, Owen had low tone and feeding issues.

This seriously was exactly what I needed to hear!

Now last week I went to moms night out through the Down syndrome association of West Michigan, amazing organization by the way. So I initially thought that most of these women would be at least 40 and their kids would likely be at least 10 and I would have nothing in common with anyone but before mentioned Stacey. WRONG! Most babies born with DS are born to women under the age of 35. Each and every women there was awesome. Each brought something to the table and each seemed like they appreciated what the other brought to the table. I cannot explain how amazing it was to sit with a group of women who have been where I am. Who look at their child with DS and would not change it, would not fix their child's DNA for anything and see each and every one of their kids as a mind blowing Blessing. We sat and ate and had some drinks and shared in this amazing common bond that our kids are different. And I feel like everyday they celebrate different, yes celebrate. Are they honest? Of course! There are issues that arise but you know what is great about this group of women? They listen. First. After they listen they think if any possible resource that could help the issue and then as far as I can tell would make it happen for one another. They come from all walks of life. Some work full time, part time, stay home with their kids. Religious or not. Married or not. First time moms or a mom of 6. We share this common bond, a bond none would change and a bond I am beyond thankful for. I hope some of these women have read this and know how amazed I was at each and every one of them. I look forward to getting to know each of them better and watch Owen grow up with their awesome kids!

Packing.....

So I mentioned before that we are moving. Was I crazy to do this? Actually the timing of our move is not the real issue but more the fact I have 3 small children! When I am not nursing or trying to get a baby to sleep (which feels almost constant), I am either breaking up a fight between Paige and Blake or trying to demand enough respect from their tag team they have now formed. Now I also have a husband who goes to work everyday and works hard and then throws on his daddy hat when he gets home. I am sure the last thing he wants to do at the end of the day is pack up a house. So here I sit.....trying to decide what I can pack away and still get away with living in our house and functioning until the actual move. Aaaaaahhhhhh like I said this is something we really want but this week it has been somewhat overwhelming, and it's only Tuesday!!!!

And my Little man fell asleep during tummy time, I could just eat him up!!!!

Here is the tag team themselves, they have a love/hate relationship!

This was last spring, not too sure Mike would approve of this picture either.

So we carry on. I need to really stop myself and really play with my kids as much as I can since time is passing oh so quickly. The packing will have to wait until after bed!

Lately

So whats new with the Wigger Fam......

-We are moving! Very random. After Owen was born I had a strong feeling that I wanted to be in Hudsonville so Paige could ride the bus to school and eventually Blake too. I also wanted Owen to start and keep the same therapy team and eventually go to the new ECC in Hudsonville that they are developing. So we found a house we liked and were going to list ours but it turned out that it sold before we even listed it. It was such a Blessing and we will be moving about 4 minutes from school. The kids are excited. I am not looking forward to packing and unpacking but like I said to Mike, I feel like our lives are in somewhat of an upheaval anyway, why not add to it and get it all over with at once?!

-Tonight Paige had her preschool celebration. This is the equivalent of a graduation and it was so fun to see all the kids singing their little hearts out. It sounds crazy but I could hear Paige very clearly and it was cracking me up, the girl loves to be on a stage and sing. We'll see where this takes her someday. She will be in kindergarten all day on T/TH/FR next year. I am going to miss her like crazy. I am so proud of the strong willed and smart young lady she is. She also impresses me with how much she loves those around her and her Savior. She is so much like me in certain ways, like her strong will and emotional outbursts and so much like Mike in the way that she is so confident and smart! Can't wait to see what God has in mind for her. :)

-Owen is in a study for U of M's kinesiology department. So last week head of the department and his assistant came to our house and measured and weighed him and checked his motor skills and development. He then wore some motion sensors on his ankle and wrist for 24 hours and will be doing this whole deal once a month until 6 months and then again at 9, 12 and 18 months. The study is to compare typical kids and kids with DS and the rate each grows and gains muscle, fat and weight in general as compared to their activity. It won't be benefiting Owen but will hopefully help kids after him. Kids with DS can struggle with obesity and because of their low muscle tone can deal with rapid fat gain as well. Looks like Owen might be keeping me in shape if I am going to be working out with him in the future.

Beyond that we are getting through life. Some days are harder than others. I keep joking that people think I am going to board the crazy train soon. I just mean that sometimes I think people think I might be a bit too positive about things. My husband included. Some days I do want to pull my hair out and think to myself this is hard. It's hard to have to teach your kid that his muscles need to work and connect and he needs to close his mouth better to nurse or take a bottle. Or that he hates tummy time as all babies do but that he needs to do it that much more than other kids. And when I have so many appointments in a month I feel like I am neglecting Paige and Blake. Yes it sucks! But it is life. God never looked down on me and said Amy, you are going to have it made it the shade, smooth sailing and no challenges. He did say that no matter what He would give me what I needed when I needed it. NOT what I wanted, what I needed. And I feel this peace everyday. There are moments when I know one of the kids is frustrated with me and lack of time or attention. But you know what? He made the same promises to each of them. Every single one of them, and Mike as well. We are getting through it and my positive attitude is something that I feel He has Blessed our family with and pray it continues.

I tried to post some recent pictures but the computer is acting funky so until next time......

In the Scheme.....

So here we go.....a little vent for you!

In the scheme of Eternity, how much does Owen having Down sydrome matter?

Since Owen has been born I have been told repeatedly what a challenge his life will be and how sorry people are that we are going through what we are going through. Before I offend someone let me first say that I know people only mean well and are not sure what to say to me or us sometimes. For goodness sake, 6 weeks ago I might have been the same way.
 
But here are my thoughts on the matter. Never has God promised any of us that our lives on the earth would be easy. He has always promised he would give us what we needed to get through it. Since Owen has been born I have felt more peace in my life than ever before, there is no explanation for this but I am so thankful for it! Owen will have a visit from Early On tomorrow afternoon. Here begins the journey of therapy. Of achievements that might have come easy for Paige and Blake will probably take longer for Owen. Is this bad? Not to me. Is it sad? Not to me. Is it something to feel sorry for us about? Please don't! It is DIFFERENT! Yes Owen's life will be different. But let's look at it this way, Paige's life is and will be different than Blake's and Owen's will be different that both of theirs. But is different bad? Not to me. The journey we are just getting started on with Owen will be his journey. He will bring new things to the table in our family. He will need extra help but what else is family for than to help the people that we love? 

So in the scheme of eternity how much does Down syndrome matter? It doesn't and it does all at once. I keep reminding myself that this is not something God is doing to us but is something God is giving us. A glimpse into his view of perfection.

Questions

So Mike and I have had this discussion in the past week or so and just wanted to share. We are learning so many things about people with Down syndrome and what is politically correct and what might not be. The amazing Down sydrome Association of West Michigan is amazing and gave us this great binder when Owen was in the NICU with tons of information in it and I have been like a sponge lately with learning about Down syndrome and different interventions used that will help Owen develop as time goes on. So back to the initial thought. Mike and I want people to know that while we are learning a lot quickly we are still learning. However we want people to feel open to ask us questions. Send us a message or post a comment here and we will do our best to answer.

On a different note, this week is the first time since I went on bed rest 7 weeks ago that I am starting to feel like we are all settling in and balancing out. the kids have been through a whole lot in less than two months and I have watched Paige and Blake transform into this tag team. Before they would fight against each other and now they are joining up to take on Mike and I together. Cute huh? It is to me sometimes because it lets me see that they are watching out for one another and I know they will do the same for Owen. :)

Owen's Birth Story Part 2

So to set the scene. I am pretty sure at this point everyone except Paige and Blake and I was crying. It is hard to describe what everyone was feeling and I cannot even begin to explain it. I do remember telling people they needed to hold it together for our kids. We needed to be happy for our kids and to be honest, at this point I did feel very at peace with Owen's diagnosis.  I  was more upset that he was being transferred to another hospital but wanted to do what was best for our son.
So the NICU transport team came into my room and explained how he would be transferred in this amazing vehicle that HDVCH had just started using and you should have seen this incubater they had put him in. They handed him to me, I kissed him. I looked him over and I smelled him. I told Mike I just needed to smell the boy who was part of both of us. I love that smell! And then I called Paige over and she asked why and I told her she needed to hold her brother before he went. That she had been waiting a long time for him and that she should hold him before he left. She did and it was beautiful, still brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. She handed him back and I handed him into the arms of strangers who were going to be taking care of our baby boy. Still God held me together.
It was at this point that I think we all knew that it was  time  to close out the day. The kids needed to get to bed and we all needed our own way of dealing with what had just happened. So we all said our good byes and then there was just Mike and I.
We had decided we needed to be with one another that night, we knew Owen would be taken care of until the morning but we needed to cry, and hug and hold and pray. And we did. We talked about our  fears and then our hopes. Would be ever be just the two of us again? How would this affect our other kids? What if he had more diagnosis' than having Down sydrome? Would he want to play sports? How awesome of a  Michigan fan would he be? What was he going to teach us about pure love? Did God really have the much confidence in us? And this is what we came up with......
We just need to LOVE him. The rest will fall into place and God's will always does. It may not always be easy, but God never promised constant smooth sailing. It was then and there that I feel like God really opened our hearts to this wonderful gift that was Owen. That is who he would be, young fighter and well born, Owen Michael. We would be proud, Mike beams if you ask him about his son, as much as he has for our other two. And God gave me intuitions in my pregnancy so that I was prepared to open my heart and head to this wonderful gift, and I would be at peace. So we decided, we will love him, just like Paige and Blake. We would accept this gift and be thankful for it.

Owen's Birth Story Part 1

Hello All,

I know a lot of people are curious about the details of Owen's birth and diagnosis and I thought this might be a quicker route to tell people than any other way......

Let me first say how incredibly thankful we are for all the thoughts, prayers, meals, childcare offers and everyone who has been loving on our kids. And to our family and friends who have been awesome with doing laundry, making sure we don't have to think about anything but how all 3 of our kids are doing!

Mike and quite a few of our family and friends are just learning about things I felt in my heart from the very beginning of Owen's pregnancy. I will preface this by saying God has always known I needed a smack across the back of my head and a very vivid picture of things to actually get it. The fact that Mike and I had agreed not to have any more children the month I got pregnant with Owen is the first step. We were shocked to say the least and kinda freaking out. To us our lives were well rounded......house, good job, one of each sex kids who honestly look like both of us and we love that! As we were letting this sink in God gave me my first vivid dream about Owen, he would to be a boy! These dreams have never been wrong with gender and our other kids. In my heart I just knew.

Once the news sank in and we were getting excited I was bleeding and there was a high risk I would lose this baby, as unexpected as this pregnancy was, I clung! I had uterine bleeding which miraculously stopped, Owen's body started to cover the place where I was bleeding and we were hopeful and things ended up turning around. At around 11 weeks God placed it on my heart that the baby I was carrying would have something "wrong". I feel bad even saying wrong because  I don't feel like he has anything wrong with him. I just felt like he would be different than Paige and Blake. I only told this to my mom and sisters who thought I might be kind of crazy. Hey, sometimes I am. ;)

I was having some contractions at 18 weeks and my amazing, and I mean beyond anything you can imagine amazing, Dr. knew to ease my mind and his, an ultrasound would be a good idea. Oh baby was I excited! I went by myself, and yes I did find out that Owen was in fact a boy. I knew Mike would be ecstatic! I felt like I needed to know his gender to really connect with him. As she was doing the scan I kept asking if his proportions we measuring ok. She said to her he looked perfect. His heart, brain and other organs looked perfect. She gave me some pics to show off and sent off the report. Got the call, perfectly healthy baby, cervix was great and things were exactly how they should be. Again I did not tell Mike that I thought his profile looked off to me but did tell my mom and sisters who again, said Amy, you have 2 healthy kids, you are young and the Dr. and radiologist said this baby looks perfect. At this point I began to question my instincts but felt like this baby and I needed to stick together (did we have a choice :) and God would carry us wherever He took us. Honestly, as much as Mike and I had grown into the idea of a 3rd baby I was nervous to tell him my concerns, he thinks I am a nut with my crazy intuitions sometimes. So again kept it to myself.

Skip ahead, we had our "big" ultrasound at this point since we would be able to see better brain development and cardiac activity. Again perfect  baby, active and healthy. So now I am really questioning myself.

I as having high blood pressure for a while at this point and shortly there after was put on bed rest to keep things in check. Still active baby and I was passing all my NST's.

At about 32 weeks I had  a very vivid dream that this baby would be born on March 18, and I mean vivid. I saw the digits in my dream and I woke up and told Mike who said, yeah Amy, we'll see. :)

March 18.....NST was not looking great. Dr. Dykstra and Dr. DeWitt came and saw me while I was having my test and said I had until end of office hours (4:30) to have baby shape up. 3:15 came and the nurse said, alright make your calls,  today is the day. Ok God, March 18 it is. I didn't get the sappy good bye with my older kids, no hospital bag and my husband literally walked in to change into scrubs with 3 minutes to spare before we went into our csection. Owen was a butt breech baby. I was shaking! This was it, my feelings and intuitions were either going to be confirmed or denied. Csection was very routine. I was so thankful to have Dr. Dykstra there, it was such a comfort that my own dr. could help with this delivery. Owen came out! Mike was of course ecstatic with a boy, and I was too! The room got quiet, we heard him cry and then people got quiet. Mike said he was pinking up and I thought, ok Amy you were crazy! They would say right away if something was wrong. Nurse Julie  brought him around and Mike laid him next to me. I knew!  I asked Mike to please show me his face again and again. I looked at Mike and I said, Mike, he is down syndrome. Mike literally looked at me and said, you are joking right? I said, I am sorry but I am not. I looked at Julie and said, is he down syndrome. I don't know she said, I did. Mike kissed me and left with Julie, the pediatrician and Owen. They said they wanted to get him in a warmer. OK, breathe I said. Just breathe. Tears fell, I laid while they tied my tubes and finished up. Dr. Dykstra came from around the curtain after he helped close and said congrats, I am going to go up and check him out. Again I knew, I knew what his eyes were telling me without seeing the rest of his face. GGGRRRRR then  I got irritated. I laid in recovery shaking and kept saying, please bring me upstairs I need to see my son and husband. 40 minutes later, still shaking they brought me up. Mike opened the door to my room, I looked in his eyes and didn't have to ask. I looked straight at him and said, I know and it's going to be ok. He lost it. I said what did they say. He told me he asked Dr. Lirio if our son was down syndrome or was his wife crazy? SEE, told ya I can be crazy. Answer.....there are signs. He has extra neck skin, he has only one bend line in his hands, his eyes are wider set. Literally we blew Mike out of the park. I told him I was so sorry that we had a 3rd baby, somehow this was my fault and I should not have even said anything in the OR. Again he wept. Grabbed my face and said never tell me again that this is anyone's fault, never ever Amy, ever! Bless the man who God gave to me. At this point people has started to call us for the good news. Dr. Dykstra came in sat down and I said it's ok I already know. I cannot tell you how many time I have been asked since Monday, how would you know that, all the scans were normal, his heart strong, and honestly he did not look very different than Paige or Blake. I told him how I had  thought something was off at the 18 week ultrasound but I didn't tell anyone but my mom and sisters. I am going to keep private the rest of our conversation,  but I will say it again.  If anyone had to come in that room and share this news with  us, I wanted it to be him. I told Mike God could not have known I needed  John there more at that moment than any time else.

Skip ahead, they told us they had to send him downtown to make sure some of the shaking he was having was not seizures. Again, breathe Amy, just breathe. God loves your son more than you  ever could. Phone calls  were made, our kids were ecstatic and our family's were shocked. I told Mike Owen was not to leave the hospital until Paige and Blake saw him.  They were on there way. I wondered how hard this would be!  Peace beyond understanding, that is all I can say to explain it. I have never seen Mike so torn and God's grace so full and with me and I did not shed a tear while the kids were there. The kids were not supposed to go into the nursery. I was mad! My kids were going to see their brother. I could not get out of bed but our kids would love on their brother before he left.

To be continued.......